Dear Manspam,
My boyfriend and I were exclusive and talking long term. So, after having safe sex for several months I asked him to get tested for HIV/AIDS so we could consider not “suiting up” for sex. He agreed. Tests came back negative and we put the condoms aside. After a few weeks my boyfriend makes an emotional confession: he has genital herpes. He's had it for 20 years and assures me he has not had an outbreak and is taking medication.
I'm stunned that this did not come up during our initial conversation around getting tested. I can't even talk to him I'm so angry. Thoughts?
Bareback no More.
Dear Bareback,
Firstly, get tested. Even though he may be on meds and says he was outbreak free, can you trust him? Eighty percent of people contract genital herpes from their partners when there is no sign of outbreak.
Secondly, dump him.
A reasonable person might conclude that since you initiated a conversation about STDs and unprotected sex, a herpes disclosure might have been appropriate. Unfortunately “reasonable” is not a quantifiable trait.
Bottom line for Herpes Manspam: He misled you. He knowingly withheld information you needed in order to make an informed decision about whether or not to have unprotected sex. No doctor would ever endorse an individual with genital herpes having unprotected sex even if on medication and in the absence of an outbreak.
After dealing with genital herpes for 20 years he should be more than well versed with disclosure. He should also be informed about the risk he potentially exposes to unprotected sexual partners. If he isn't, shame shame SHAME on him. Sharing this information in a timely fashion is a great responsibility, and one he seems ill-equipped to bear.
Bottom line for you: My dear, you were too specific and very naïve: you did not take full responsibility for your safety. Notes to remember for the future:
Stay protected.